Calvin and "the talk"
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
recalcitranttoyGiven that Calvin the Deeple is now dating, it seems that I had no choice but to have "the talk" with the boy, before something happens that we all may regret.
Me: Calvin, this is a rather touchy subject, but one which we must discuss?
Calvin: I told you that I'd try to curb my flatus....
Me: No dear, not that, although your bombs are getting rather bad lately. This is about the birds and the bees.
Calvin: I haven't bothered the cockatoo since she bit me on the nose, and bees don't taste good.
Me: Calvin, I'm talking about SEX.
Calvin: I didn't DO it with Vval!!!
Me: I know, dear. I was there. But there may come a time when you might get the urge, and I thought it would be good to go over some realities of life before you find yourself.....uh.....frustrated.
Calvin: I learned all about this already. Remember, I have puppies!
Me: That's just it, Calvin...you've got this notion of being a people...asking actual humans out on dates and the such like. Remember what happened when you and Luppy got together and made the puppies?
Calvin: Yeah, I got stuck for 1/2 an hour and you put a cold Diet Coke can on my testicles so I could get out. I forgot to thank you for that....
Me: It doesn't quite work that way with people. In fact, the vast majority of people don't want to do that with you at all.
Calvin: WHY NOT?!?!
Me: Because you're a DOG!
Calvin: AM NOT!
Me: We're not getting into that again. You may just wish to know that most people females would not be interested in that type of thing with you.
Calvin: WHY NOT?
Me: You're the WRONG SPECIES, and anatomically it just wouldn't work out!
Calvin: DISCRIMINATION! That's just WRONG!
Me: Oh, there's something wrong here all right.... just not quite what you think.
Calvin: I'm a Deeple! I have RIGHTS!
Me: I have to go, my house is on fire.
So now we will see what happens next. Will the Deeple continue to have fantasies about Vval? Will he go back to Luppy, mother of his puppies? Will he steal the keys and try to drive Booger? Find out next time!
Me: Calvin, this is a rather touchy subject, but one which we must discuss?
Calvin: I told you that I'd try to curb my flatus....
Me: No dear, not that, although your bombs are getting rather bad lately. This is about the birds and the bees.
Calvin: I haven't bothered the cockatoo since she bit me on the nose, and bees don't taste good.
Me: Calvin, I'm talking about SEX.
Calvin: I didn't DO it with Vval!!!
Me: I know, dear. I was there. But there may come a time when you might get the urge, and I thought it would be good to go over some realities of life before you find yourself.....uh.....frustrated.
Calvin: I learned all about this already. Remember, I have puppies!
Me: That's just it, Calvin...you've got this notion of being a people...asking actual humans out on dates and the such like. Remember what happened when you and Luppy got together and made the puppies?
Calvin: Yeah, I got stuck for 1/2 an hour and you put a cold Diet Coke can on my testicles so I could get out. I forgot to thank you for that....
Me: It doesn't quite work that way with people. In fact, the vast majority of people don't want to do that with you at all.
Calvin: WHY NOT?!?!
Me: Because you're a DOG!
Calvin: AM NOT!
Me: We're not getting into that again. You may just wish to know that most people females would not be interested in that type of thing with you.
Calvin: WHY NOT?
Me: You're the WRONG SPECIES, and anatomically it just wouldn't work out!
Calvin: DISCRIMINATION! That's just WRONG!
Me: Oh, there's something wrong here all right.... just not quite what you think.
Calvin: I'm a Deeple! I have RIGHTS!
Me: I have to go, my house is on fire.
So now we will see what happens next. Will the Deeple continue to have fantasies about Vval? Will he go back to Luppy, mother of his puppies? Will he steal the keys and try to drive Booger? Find out next time!
