Deeple in trouble again

[recalcitranttoy]

Me: So, Calvin... do you have anything you want to uh...CONFESS to me this morning?
Calvin: Me? (turns sheepishly away) Whatever would I have to confess?
Me: How bout the mileage on my car?
Calvin: Uh.....
Me: How bout this commercial you were sending in to Toyota: The Prius - so easy a Deeple can drive it?
Calvin: Uh.....
Me: Or this phone call from dukeostuff telling me that someone tried to steal his date last night?
Calvin: I can't LIVE without her! She is my Venus, my Aphrodite, my Freya
Me: You know what I've told you about pantheon mixing....but never mind about that now. Calvin, we have to talk. I thought that we had gone over this already, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. You, Calvin, are 12 inches tall, weigh 15 lbs, and are a Chinese Crested DOG. Got that? DOG!
Calvin: Woe!
Me: You can't be taking my car, you can't be insured. You are only 4 years old.
Calvin: But in DOG years, that's....
Me: See? Even YOU measure in dog years. However, the DMV doesn't. There is no category for either dogs OR Deeples.
Calvin: I'll call the ACLU!
Me: They're too busy dealing with lunatic fundies. Trust me, they have no time for Deeples.
Calvin: FASCISTS!
Me: You still haven't addressed the root of the problem here. You must stop stalking vvalkyri. She will not be your girlfriend. She thinks you're cute, but you're not her species.
Calvin: I can make her love me. I can't live without her! I NEEEEED her. Noooooo, you be stealing my girlfriend!
Me: No more taking my car. No more sneaking into dukeostuff's apartment. No more stalking vvalkyri, got that?
Calvin: You just don't UNDERSTAND
Luppy: She ain't the only one.

I have hidden the Prius key, and Luppy has promised to tell on Calvin next time he tries to sneak out.